Inner Redmoon

For my own journal, stories and others, in short, it's my one big blog site... (^w^)v


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I'm Afraid

Posted by Haruka Flare Akizuki on September 6, 2012 at 11:45 PM Comments comments (0)

Right now, my anxiety levels are extremely high, thanks to that upcoming exam. Why? I'm afraid I'll fail. My mom expects a lot from me and I expect a lot from myself. You see, I think that I'm getting old and I should keep on going for my goals as fast as I can with no room for failure. I know that that's wrong but once you reach the age of 25 and there's no improvement in your life that's when you think about going fast track.

I have already sacrificed a lot and I don't know what to do now. I'm afraid that I'll fail. I don't want to fail. Even if I study, my brain won't let me absorb everything or anything. My brain is tired. I kept on reading the same thing again and again but I keep on failing my practice exams.

I'm tired.

I'm fed up.

but I don't want to give up.

but I'm afraid.

What should I do?

Can somebody tell me what to do?


Words swim in my mind over and over. You might think that I lack self-confidence. I will tell you now. You're right. I have always think of myself as inferior to those around me. I keep on thinking of my achievements but I would tell myself that they were only average.

How many times do I have to fail in order to get to my goal?

I have failed a lot of times but I'm hoping that I wouldn't fail this time. This is just my first step to my dream so failing this one seems to upset me. I might become depressed.

My mother told me that I'm getting old since I'm already stressed. Old people get stressed. Children live a carefree life. How I wish I could be carefree again.

What should I do?

I'm afraid.

It's coming. I know I should be brave but I'm still doubting my abilities.

Give me strength to make my dreams come true.

Love: A War of Theories and Emotions

Posted by Haruka Flare Akizuki on February 14, 2012 at 6:35 PM Comments comments (0)

Have you ever experience the so called "love" people talks about? Okay. Most of the time, when you watch a scenario in television or movies in any genre, you have seen romantic love over and over again and I have noticed that it is hard to give up once you have felt it.

I know that you might think that I haven't fallen in love yet and that the certain artist that I keep on pointing out is out of infatuation or just a joke. I am telling you guys, I am dead serious about this guy.

I have tried to think that there is no way that I will meet this guy and there is no way that he will notice me but somehow, deep inside my heart I can feel the yearning.

This is not the first time I have felt this though. The first time was with my friend who, sadly, didn't return my love because... well... I ran away from him before knowing his answer. (I have this feeling that he would not return my feeling too.)

I haven't had a boyfriend ever since I was born so I do not know how to act in terms of this feeling. So, honestly I have tried to fall out of love on my own. I was thinking of things in a negative way.

What can I do? I am afraid of it.

Honestly, I think of myself as unattractive and ugly. Not to mention my fats. (wahahaha...220 lbs and still growing... XD) So, I don't  think that someone would be interested in me and making myself falling out of love is always a solution.

I was successful on my first attempt. It's all in the past. This time, it's hard.

I wonder if it's his charms or his looks but I think this is what they called "love at first sight" or something. In my anime's live-action, I saw him for the first time. I shook the idea but I have to "sigh" admit it. You can fool anyone but not yourself, right? Eversince that moment, I can't keep him off my mind. Even if I am busy with work and school, the very thought of him just makes me happy.

But thinking about it sometimes, I lose hope because he is too far away and he is an actor so it is kinda impossible.

But my heart thinks that it can be possible for some unknown reason.

It is hard to choose between my theories and my heart.

In the end, I consider what my heart tells me and hope that my heart is doing the right thing. If this leads to heart break then there's nothing I could do. I will not regret such choice.  But what do I know about the future.

If ever I fell out of love, at least, I could say that I waited for him for a long time. (A year and still counting. Can you see how crazy I am?)

For now, I focus on my important routines and use him as my inspiration. I just hope you won't judge me for this. You might call me ambitious but I am only following what my heart tells me to do. This time, I am not running away.

Adjusting to A New Home

Posted by Haruka Flare Akizuki on January 10, 2012 at 7:05 PM Comments comments (0)

It has been 11 months since my family and I migrated to Canada. As a new comer, we experience a lot of hardships but thanks to my Aunt and her family, we were able to have a place to stay for awhile and learn things about this new found land. I also thanked her for introducing me to my job now.

I had a hard time adjusting to the people around here. Canadians are friendly that even if you were just standing waiting for a bus, they will talk to you like a friend... I guess "acquaintance" is the right term. But because of that, I learn to socialize with people without fearing that this person might take advantage of one's kindness. Still, you should be careful. No place is safe.

The weather is too cold in winter but since this is our second winter, I could say, I'm adjusting pretty well. I am still excited to see snow even if some people here doesn't like it. (Because it's too cold.)

And in a different country, you discover new abilities. Check out my Handmade Gallery.

Since I am also working, I can afford to buy the things I want but there are restrictions. Of course, I still need to give money to my parents since I'm living with them and we just moved to a new house in August so right now, we are paying the rent and also the house ammenities. Still, we know how to have fun with a few bucks.


Step by step, my family are upgrading. My sisters, my mom and I are studying in different colleges. But it's kinda funny since my mom is also my classmate in most of my subject. :lol: My brother already thought about what he is taking in college or university and I guess, it won't be long that we will be having the jobs we love than "survival" jobs we have today.

But not everything is all right. Level of thinking and relationships are tested. I guess in my father's part. He is too bossy and too boastful these past few months that everyone in the household can't stand him. He has been like that eversince I can remember but this negative personality has gone for the worse.:mad: If we tried to talk to him about it, he would accuse us of being disrespectful but seriously! If you want respect then act like a respectful person and not a teenager who would trash talk of everyone who had done a good act to our family!:mad:

Aside from that, I guess, everyone is working hard to get what they want and be successful.:D Little by little, we are making a step forward and hoping for a bright future.

Peer Pressure

Posted by Haruka Flare Akizuki on April 1, 2011 at 11:42 PM Comments comments (0)


Have you ever been labelled as someone you think that youare not? It kind of pissed me off though. It’s irritating.


One time, my mom told me that I’m emo but I’m not! She oftencalls me emo especially when I’m angry because of the stuff she has been doing.I’m not emo but I have a point. Some of my classmates label other people as“kikay” or “rebel” but I wonder if that is necessary.


They think that if you’re labelled “kikay” then you areforever kikay and can never be other things that they really are. If a person’sfriends are all “kikay” and that person is not then that person is out of thegroup but before that happens, they turn “kikay” themselves. Itswhat-you-want-friends that dictates you and not you yourself.


By the way, Kikay is a Filipino term that means a girl/gayis very girlish and usually wear too much girlish accessories and loves pink.


Those people are posers. They never think of what the partthat they are comfortable with in themselves. They hide their true identity andcreate one that doesn’t really exist and wasn’t them in the first place.


I was never a victim of that so called “peer pressure.” Peerpressure is what you call a child who is being force by their friends to belike this and do things like that.


What happened to the “do what you want” quote? I noticedthat children today are really hooked up into this peer pressure that littlethey know that their friends are also having this peer pressure. They wanted tobe cool but they are not comfortable with it. They should have their own senseand belief. The children today should be more open-minded and be comfortablefor who they are and not what their friends tell them so.


They should realize that every person has a differentpersonality. So what if you are labelled a loser but you’re comfortable for whoyou are and not afraid to show others what you can do.


Moving On

Posted by Haruka Flare Akizuki on October 26, 2010 at 1:56 AM Comments comments (2)

"Come on! Move on, girl!" or "It's too late to regret the past."

These are the common lines I get when they heard of my sad love story. I would not really say "love story" since there was never us. It's more like a one-sided love. The worst part of this one-sided love story is that I'm still waiting for him for 12 years or so. I wonder how it all began. When did I feel this feeling? What will happen if I still remain by his side?


"It's no use crying over spilled milk."

How true... How true... There's nothing I can do. It's also my fault. One of my friends is angry with this guy even though she has not met him because this certain guy hurt me. I told her that it’s not his fault but she felt that way and there's no use turning it all back.

I wonder how he is now. What is he doing right now? Does he ever think of me?

"He doesn't care about you right now. You're just part of his past."

Sad but true. It’s no use holding on to something that wasn't there in the first place.



"Just look at what you've been doing to yourself. You're miserable."


I know. But it's hard getting over someone, especially, if you've been friends since high school.

"Crying won't solve anything."

That's why I'm doing my best to communicate with him.

"But he doesn't reply to your e-mails or comments in facebook. That means, he doesn't give a damn about you."

I guess you're right.

"If I'm going to make a scene about your position, you think you're following him in a thorny road where you're being wounded. Even though you're in pain, you’re still following him. Some friends of yours, who really cares, kept on calling your name and telling you that there's a safer road but you kept on following your own illusion."

Ugh! My friends are right. This is all my illusion.

"Without you, his world will keep on turning. He doesn't really mind."

I guess your right.

"That's right. Keep crying. Tomorrow, you'll feel better."

Maybe. But this is me now. I feel terrible. After 12 years, I'm still following this illusion. I should be out there and following a safer road. Now that I have stopped, I can feel the pain. I should have listened long ago when I wasn't this deep.

“That’s right. If you keep on doing the same thing over and over again then you’ll end up losing yourself. You have to change.”

But I can’t just change myself. It’s hard but I’ll try. I have to move on. Now, I see myself walking farther away from an illusion and to the safer road but I still have wounds.



“Like they say, time can heal all wounds.”

But time can never heal all scars.

“The important part of this is that you’re moving on.”

If ever I see him…

“You’re still thinking of your encounter with him?”

I am but I just hope that I have moved on when I see him or I will be following him again through the thorny roads.

“Don’t think about that. We’ll be here. Your friends will help you. As long as you promise to move on and forget about him.”

I can never forget him but I can always forget this feeling that I have felt for him.

“What are you going to do now? How are you going to forget him?”

That’s the part that I haven’t figured out. The only way for a person who fell in love to move on is to find her cure.

“Cure? What do you mean cure?”

To find someone who can replace that person.



“You don’t need a cure for that heartache. All you need is motivation.”

Motivation is not enough. But I should shrug the idea of having a cure because I know that from now on, I’ll be alone forever. Cure will not come to me. He will never will.

“Have faith. You know that can come. This world has many mysteries and possibilities. He might come.”

Might come. But for now, I have to do this on my own. But I know that you will help me. Maybe, my friends are the cure and not another man. I will do my best to forget him little by little just for those who care for me.

Job Interview 101

Posted by Haruka Flare Akizuki on August 13, 2010 at 8:35 AM Comments comments (1)

It's hard to find a job these days. As for me, I've been looking for a job for a month now and there's no luck, especially in interviews. Initial interviews make my head aches. I usually fail during those interviews. I realized that I'm doing something unacceptable.

Here are some tips that you should do in searching for a job.

1. Dress properly.


  •  I saw someone who wore formal clothes during the interview and I thought that he was selling encyclopedias because of the way he looks but he got the job. Formal clothes makes people think that you're serious and gave him points during the application. So, wear good clothes that makes you look formal.
2. During the interview, speak clear and slow that the interviewer can understand.
  • Don't eat your words and remember, everything you say gives you points in getting that job you want.

3. Be confident and smile.

4. Don't brag too much.
  • If you don't like someone bragging then the interviewers also don't like it. Be humble and down to Earth. They like that.

5. Don't be tense or nervous.
  • No one's going to kill you during interviews. They only want to know what kind of person are you before they hire you.

6. Be alert and listen.
  • I know someone who didn't follow instructions so during assessment, he was given a note that his application can't be processed because of that.

7. Think first and fast.

8. Look into the interviewer's eyes.
  • Show them that you're not nervous and you really say what you mean.

9. Don't drag in situations you can't answer.
  • I have one instance that I can't answer a question that came from what I said so be careful in the things that you'll say.

10. Never. I really mean it! Never say uhm... or ah...
  • That irritates them that can bring to your downfall.

11. Assess self first.

12. Be positive.

13. Have faith in God.

That's all I have learned during the interviews. Hope it helps.